FORGIVENESS!!!!!!!!!!
For the past four years I have had a series of mishaps, lets jus say alot of drama and yeah! pain ad massive heart aches. It all started with this young seventeen year old yearning for acceptance and a sense of longing and belonging, best described as to fit in, the first time I went to my new school, I was so excited to start over and yay! there were boys anyway, I was loving the attention from boys and jus being in a mixed school cming from a grils only school, I was ready to shake it up little did I know ad be more shaken for the rest of my life! Here is the story of a young lady who whats to be broken and mended!
Lets start from high school, the boys were boys I was mean and made people's life miserable lets jus say my cousins and the ones I cared about and all I knew was that I was protecting them, well the got frustrated and decided to play a prank on me, got the boy I had a crush on to come to me and ask me out publicly and hey! I was bummed a boy liked me! I was happy and yeah in love! I guess more than I love I needed and wanted to be wanted and there he was, anyway I first took as a lie and played it safe but gave in and sent a note hoping we coud try! Little did I know I was in for a game! next day he sent anote back saying he never really cared and it was just aprank!!!!!!!! In my young mind I was so devastated and went on a vengeance. Hated boys, just hated myself and hated life. Thats just the beginning going to campus and trying to start a new life was not so different, I still hated my cousins and I hated myself and didn't know the story was just going to be the same
three more stories infact! as usual from the ones I cared about and now am still in the same place, same feeling, same shame and self loathing and I am so tired of being angry and cutting them out! Hating them and jus wondering what I did, not knowing I have tried to live a life that is not mine, trying too hard to be what people need me to be and worst of all wanting me to be!
I just want to say out loud I am broken, wounded and damaged and the only person who can take me in is God! Love me in such a state is God, heal me is the one who loves me the most!
I have searched for love in all the wrong places and I have been scroched and burnt, and still gone back wondering why I get burned! I am different! Am Okay with that, I am not the best person in the world I am very okay with that!
Looking in the mirror all I needed was to forive myself and then forgive them, they just did what I did to them, I can be hurt but I have to forgive! hard to forget but forgive and move on!
I want to be loved, Don't know if I am ready to love myself completely but I am goin to fight and try to get there, its a start, I want to be appreciated and cared for, I am not ashamed to say I am broken! Finally I am broken! ready to be mended with the love I have ignored most of my life! All my dear friends I hav e hurt and who have hurt me! I thank you I wouldn't be here if it was not for you and most of all I forgive you!! I Kia Sharon Peace FORGIVE YOU!!!!!!! AND MOST OF ALL FORGIVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Work!
Today I have finally realised that am the most extremely lazy and careless person, okay to be honest I have always known that fact but, you know, sometimes it really does get to you, you know, well I guess most don't. I have just realised that I have to really start doing something, like really do something that I actually like, guess this is one of them,I will just have to try a lot harder to keep it updated, that's not a promise! Anyway today has been the most tiring day, sleeping at like 2:00am and getting up at 7:30am my body just seems to be protesting,obviously! but we've done this before but for some reason today she just couldn't take it, I woke up tired, debating whether to go to work,yes! envy me, trying to be the good and loyal friend to my employer, who by the way, is never around,okay sometimes he is,dragging myself out of bed with my dad's voice all over the place fussing over me being late, Crap! just to realise that I had not picked what I wanted to wear that's Ike another hour or so and don't judge me, am just a girl!
Finally finishing every thing that took like three hours because I kinda sneaked into my bed for some more forty minutes couldn't help it! choosing sneakers and a t-shirt for my Wednesday, I head off for a taxi, this time I chose to put the laptop in my big bag, because the laptop bag was just strenuous, it didn't fit work, the whole ensemble but who cares there's no dress code restriction at work though I wouldn't mind being dressed like those office ladies on TV but considering the roads and the impossibly high heels that have to endure the dusty roads of Kampala, worst part I need a car to make sure the heels of the shoes stay with the shoe, as in literally limping from work everyday just isn't a beautiful sight, so I guess, comfort does come first, not always but for today it was exceptional.
Enduring all the three trips I had to take to get to work with one scenario of the conductor almost kidnapping me to his taxi,goodness! too tired to scream I tried to evade him but he persisted forcing me to practically yell out! anyway I cross the street and rush up the stairs to work and to my very pleasant surprise I find the door open, well I have a key too but opening the office at 10:00am was just so not right, walking in I find the sweetest guy in the office, a geek but totally sweet and in minutes another enters, I call him boop because he has really long lashes,I guess that makes me jealous, we finish the usual pleasantries and get to our laptops and get to work, honestly for the two guys because what I actually do is just supervise them as the boss told me but in real sense I just go there to keep them company, It's better than doing nothing at home and besides I need the company too.
It gets to midday and we are all so tired not to mention that the net is so slow and Kenyan boy, the sweet one, has got a cold, blaming it on me, since I was doing so badly over the weekend,I had to spread the love you know! my body just seems to be so heavy I can't sit straight and my eyelids just can't seem to stay open, I am like slumping on my chair everything just seems so boring and all I can think of is my bed at home and surprisingly the boys feel the same way too! trying to find some inspiration to write something for my blog today was just no working and to my dismay the sow net decides to go off! to tired to even swear am thinking of watching my Japanese anime series Naruto, Kenyan boy decides to give me movies.
I walk over to his desk to check it out and he recommends one that I am so curious I decide to watch apart of it, only to see some story about survival and cannibalism, I was so grossed out, I just walked back to my laptop and boop being the most annoyingly rational person I have ever met, just laughed at me. Well I guess that's how I got inspiration for the day. Am out, I need to get home early because I have practice later and the boys are leaving me too! Till tomorrow then!
Finally finishing every thing that took like three hours because I kinda sneaked into my bed for some more forty minutes couldn't help it! choosing sneakers and a t-shirt for my Wednesday, I head off for a taxi, this time I chose to put the laptop in my big bag, because the laptop bag was just strenuous, it didn't fit work, the whole ensemble but who cares there's no dress code restriction at work though I wouldn't mind being dressed like those office ladies on TV but considering the roads and the impossibly high heels that have to endure the dusty roads of Kampala, worst part I need a car to make sure the heels of the shoes stay with the shoe, as in literally limping from work everyday just isn't a beautiful sight, so I guess, comfort does come first, not always but for today it was exceptional.
Enduring all the three trips I had to take to get to work with one scenario of the conductor almost kidnapping me to his taxi,goodness! too tired to scream I tried to evade him but he persisted forcing me to practically yell out! anyway I cross the street and rush up the stairs to work and to my very pleasant surprise I find the door open, well I have a key too but opening the office at 10:00am was just so not right, walking in I find the sweetest guy in the office, a geek but totally sweet and in minutes another enters, I call him boop because he has really long lashes,I guess that makes me jealous, we finish the usual pleasantries and get to our laptops and get to work, honestly for the two guys because what I actually do is just supervise them as the boss told me but in real sense I just go there to keep them company, It's better than doing nothing at home and besides I need the company too.
It gets to midday and we are all so tired not to mention that the net is so slow and Kenyan boy, the sweet one, has got a cold, blaming it on me, since I was doing so badly over the weekend,I had to spread the love you know! my body just seems to be so heavy I can't sit straight and my eyelids just can't seem to stay open, I am like slumping on my chair everything just seems so boring and all I can think of is my bed at home and surprisingly the boys feel the same way too! trying to find some inspiration to write something for my blog today was just no working and to my dismay the sow net decides to go off! to tired to even swear am thinking of watching my Japanese anime series Naruto, Kenyan boy decides to give me movies.
I walk over to his desk to check it out and he recommends one that I am so curious I decide to watch apart of it, only to see some story about survival and cannibalism, I was so grossed out, I just walked back to my laptop and boop being the most annoyingly rational person I have ever met, just laughed at me. Well I guess that's how I got inspiration for the day. Am out, I need to get home early because I have practice later and the boys are leaving me too! Till tomorrow then!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
To love;
creates many risks, risks that give many reasons to the risk.
When the deepest of pin is got from love, its depth is most felt,that's how strong love is.
To a father who is helpless, finds love from the joy of his child's laughter
To the death of a cherished one do we feel a pain so deep incurred by love that is taken away, when in abundance all is for granted but in atomic particles is it truly felt and seen!
creates many risks, risks that give many reasons to the risk.
When the deepest of pin is got from love, its depth is most felt,that's how strong love is.
To a father who is helpless, finds love from the joy of his child's laughter
To the death of a cherished one do we feel a pain so deep incurred by love that is taken away, when in abundance all is for granted but in atomic particles is it truly felt and seen!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 40!
Probably the worst moments a person can imagine, seated comfortably listening to your flaws as someone gladly lays them out for you. He is what a girl could say handsome, though charming doesn't go with this package, he is agreeable, looking at him trying as much as possible to not look so shaken by the words he was telling me, thinking to myself how I got here or how this conversation started, well I guess I started it.
"You have trust issues", he says as he repositions himself to stand in front of me leaning against the table looking straight at me he continues, "Anger issues, that is your major problem and with that you hurt people very much!" Wow! that was a blow right there, I don not want to hurt people but, wait a minute am not going to make every body happy, am I? even God himself angers a lot of people guess the difference is hurt and anger.
Almost losing it, I felt the ground should swallow me and take me to, God knows where! this guy goodness had the nerve! but I couldn't refute what he was saying, I knew it took a lot of courage to tell me this and I knew I would appreciate it later, not now!
Just to be clear this not a conversation between boyfriend and girlfriend, I wish! guess that explains the trust issue, a friend who has had enough of my unacceptable behavior and is speaking for the rest, well, am that bad, I guess? funny, I didn't even know I did that to people makes you wonder how many friends you actually have, looking at him I had never felt as loved as I did then, thinking back of the closest to me and how much they have gone through just being with me was an eye opener, but! I can't help feeling condemned too, guess nobody wants to be told they need help,most especially me I have always known I could do this on my own be a perfect friend and do good but it didn't cut it.
Most of your life you have longed to be accepted and most of the time have lost your self in the process of looking for approval from people who can never appreciate you genuinely, going to extremes and having moments that make you shrink just thinking about them.
"Sharon!" he says bringing me back from my thoughts looking at him I can see he is totally not amused, well honestly I can't think straight right now, am so shattered that all I want to do is go home and wallow in my misery maybe shade a tear or so, I know I need to change but its never hit me this much so guess it starts with an apology to this young arrogant man ( he is not flawless to you know!) which he takes and recommends therapy, which I think is a bit extreme but what the heck there is no use in refusing help which I so clearly need. Saying goodbye I rush to the door not noticing the smile that passes me with a puzzled look and the noise around me, feels like everything around me looks weird, people looking at me suspiciously, I think I hear whispers! is this what reality feels like? being oblivious seems a better option. oh well! power to the people as they say! lets get better for me.
"You have trust issues", he says as he repositions himself to stand in front of me leaning against the table looking straight at me he continues, "Anger issues, that is your major problem and with that you hurt people very much!" Wow! that was a blow right there, I don not want to hurt people but, wait a minute am not going to make every body happy, am I? even God himself angers a lot of people guess the difference is hurt and anger.
Almost losing it, I felt the ground should swallow me and take me to, God knows where! this guy goodness had the nerve! but I couldn't refute what he was saying, I knew it took a lot of courage to tell me this and I knew I would appreciate it later, not now!
Just to be clear this not a conversation between boyfriend and girlfriend, I wish! guess that explains the trust issue, a friend who has had enough of my unacceptable behavior and is speaking for the rest, well, am that bad, I guess? funny, I didn't even know I did that to people makes you wonder how many friends you actually have, looking at him I had never felt as loved as I did then, thinking back of the closest to me and how much they have gone through just being with me was an eye opener, but! I can't help feeling condemned too, guess nobody wants to be told they need help,most especially me I have always known I could do this on my own be a perfect friend and do good but it didn't cut it.
Most of your life you have longed to be accepted and most of the time have lost your self in the process of looking for approval from people who can never appreciate you genuinely, going to extremes and having moments that make you shrink just thinking about them.
"Sharon!" he says bringing me back from my thoughts looking at him I can see he is totally not amused, well honestly I can't think straight right now, am so shattered that all I want to do is go home and wallow in my misery maybe shade a tear or so, I know I need to change but its never hit me this much so guess it starts with an apology to this young arrogant man ( he is not flawless to you know!) which he takes and recommends therapy, which I think is a bit extreme but what the heck there is no use in refusing help which I so clearly need. Saying goodbye I rush to the door not noticing the smile that passes me with a puzzled look and the noise around me, feels like everything around me looks weird, people looking at me suspiciously, I think I hear whispers! is this what reality feels like? being oblivious seems a better option. oh well! power to the people as they say! lets get better for me.
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